Things that are Worse than The Twin Dilemma

By David Parkinson, Cyberman bit by Peter Quinn


The Twin Dilemma was voted the worst serial ever in Doctor Who Magazines Mighty 200. Here are things worse then it:

• Doctor In Distress

This is what a human hears before Death comes to take them to Candyland or whatever. Colin Baker singing, along with some T-List singing "sensations" makes for some rather distressing things. Recorded when the show was on hiatus. To be honest, they thought it was going to be cancelled, and Anthony Ainley and Nick Courtney are in it, so I guess in terms of Who people in it, it's quite alright. But the song's utterly shit.

• The acting in Timelash

Especially the old man who's meant to be the Borad. He needs more lessons. And actual talent.

• Dalek Sec's a Human now

It's been said about one hundred trillion times before, a lot by me, so I'm going to skip over that

• Dimensions In Time

Take all 7 Doctors (at the time of broadcast), get a man who's job is to produce the series (J N-T), take some of the Doctor's enemies (Daleks, Ogrons, Draconians and Cybermen) and about every single companion he's ever had, and stick them in one charity special. If this already sounds cluttered to you, add to it the fact that it's a crossover with Eastenders (For none UK viewers, EastEnders is a soap opera that's mostly viewed by pensioners and housewives) and put a really very embarrasing speech read by an old and very out of place Tom Baker, in which he says the Rani "Hates Christmas and Children." What a bitch.

• The Tremas Master costume

What are you, a man or a weird 20's dark Clown juggler?

• Everyone is now John Simm

Because that motherfucker can do whatever he wants. Nothing against Simm, by the way.

• The Kandyman is comin' to town

A camp homicidal robot made of Bertie Basset's Allsorts that's weakened by Lemonade. Yep, that's pedophile material for you

• The Slitheen

The Slitheen are really a big mess. For one, the fact that they're not totally CGI makes for awkward bits where the CGI and the actual suits look awful in comparison.

• Fear Her

The unforgiving piece of shitty shit that is Fear Her has only one good use: The source of jokes between me and a good friend, who, believe it or not, is also linked to this blog you are reading.

• Chloe Webber

Firstly: I'm not a giant racist. No, again, I'm not Sepp Blatter. I'm talking about the acting used in Fear Her , in particular Chloe Webber, who's actress plays her as she is: a moron.

• Tegan's Hair Curtains

Consult the review of " A Fix With Sontarans" on this blog for more details.

• K9

Consult "Why I Hate K9" again, on this blog, for more details

• Honorary: The Cybermen 

I just think they're stupid, overused and gold is a pathetic weakness. Their revamp was dumb and boring, Closing Time was an abomination, Delete is NOT a good catchphrase as it sounds like a broken computer, their voice is irritating also. They look clunky and basic AND 4 Daleks beat an army of them. Therefore, Daleks are better.

• Adric

Adric's a snotty show off. He'll always be one, in my eyes. Saying that, I felt as sad as a Weeping Angel when he died. More so because he killed innocent Dinosaurs. Rest in Peace, my reptilian brethren. Gone too soon.

Review of The Awakening

By David Parkinson

Written by: Eric Pringle
Directed by: Michael Owen Morris
Starring: Peter Davison, Janet Fielding, Mark Strickson, Polly James and Denis Lill


Ah, the splendid countryside of 1980's Britain. Full of wildlife, little villages, and an alien creature who was part of an invasion force. Typical, eh? You go looking for your friends grandfather, and you end up having to fight a deranged Knighted man who has OCD when it comes to War games, and an alien semi- quasi alien machine creature thingy that feeds off of his deranged self.

Yes, it's about time Tegan caught up with her grandfather, so The Doctor brings her and Turlough to the village he's meant to reside in to find him. But, as it turns out, the crazy Sir George Hutchinson has decided to continue his precious war games, and they're getting a bit out of hand..

The time travellers are split up, and it's during this that the Doctor meets Will, seemingly from the 1600's, and things really kick off, as we get tales of winding tunnels, space probes and Terileptils, included as a reference as Eric Saward was planning to write another serial featuring them. He never did, but they did sort of return in The Pandorica Opens, as part of The Alliance.

The story gradually unfolds into something exquisite. There's plenty of great dialogue, and lots of great aspects, but the one thing that lets it down is The Malus.

The Malus is basically left well alone for a majority of the time, only coming out for about 15 minutes of the second episode. But, truth be told, he does conjure up a lot of psychic projections, so I guess I'll let him off with a warning.

The characters in this are great, to be fair. And they're, for the most part, utterly believable. I actually shouted at Sir George in anger for being so deranged and cruel.

You'll Love

• The Perfect acting
• The perfect dialogue

You'll Hate

• The Malus is sometimes a bit pointless
• The throwaway Psychic Projections who just run about then vanish

Rating: 4/5

Review of The Five Doctors

By David Parkinson




Written by: Terrance Dicks
Directed by: Peter Moffat/ John Nathan-Turner(uncredited)
Starring: William Hartnell (footage), Richard Hurndall, Patrick Troughton, Jon Pertwee, Tomb Baker (footage), Peter Davison, Anthony Ainley, Nicholas Courtney, Janet Fielding, Mark Strickson, Elisabeth Sladen, Philip Latham.


Doctor Who was twenty. That in itself needed celebration, but how? Well, you bring back the first 4 Doctors to join your current 5th one, and see what happens. of course, by this time the great William Hartnell was dead, so Richard Hurndall took his place. Hurndall tries to convey Hartnell's personality, and does it a bit bad, but good at the same time. And of course, if you're going to have the Doctors, you're going to have the best of his enemies. Which, in this case, consists of one Dalek, who kills itself almost immediately appearing to challenge Hurndall and a rather mature Susan. Let's call it the Skaro redshirt. Also among the group of atagonists are the over relied on Cybermen, a lone Yeti who is the remnant of the original games of Rassilon, and The Master, although he doesn't get snippy until the climax, where he's rather awesomely floored by Nick Courtney. By rather awesomely, I mean amazingly greatly, and an amusing and awesome move from the Brig.

But the real villain of the set-piece is Borusa, who wants to be immortal so he can rule Gallifrey forever. Here's where the plot hole comes in. If Borusa wants immortality, and he offers the Master a new set of regenerations, therefore he himself could just get a new set of regenerations and not bother to set out the Doctors to retrieve it for him. And, contrary to fan belief, it was never going to be Omega who was behind it all. Never, ever, ever.

But, in the end, Borusa gets his just deserts, forced to live as a stone bust thingy forever. This climax also gives the Brigidier a chance to get re aqquainted with Sarah Jane and Tegan, thankfully without the weird Hair curtains, and a chance for the Brig to floor Anthony Ainley.

Of course, the very obvious exclusion is Tom Baker. Baker, famously, declined to return to the role, a decision he would later regret very much. So, just like Hartnell in the Three Doctors, he's said to be in a time eddy, this time in the Vortex. So they took a publicity photo with a waxwork Baker, but you can hardly see any difference

Although I don't remember Tom Baker looking like a Hispanic Tom Jones.

The ending, which isn't intended to be a sombre, just makes me, I don't know about you, feel a bit sad.

You'll love

• It's most of The Doctors!
• It's like a Doctor Who wet-dream
• The sublime acting
• Nick Courtney flooring Anthony Ainley

You'll hate

• Tom Baker not getting involved properly
• The worst use of the Daleks since Daleks in Manhattan
• Over-reliance on Cybermen

Rating: 4.6/5