Things that are Worse than The Twin Dilemma Vol.2

The half-arsed sequel

• Doctorin' The Tardis

This is what happens when you get a band who have never watched the material they're singing about, and are trying to cash in on said material. The lyrics are basically the famous things from the show chanted out before the Doctor Who theme itself begins to play. And a crappy single like this wouldn't be complete with a butchered Dalek model made of cardboard and a bit of a War Machine. Oh, and wait until you see the single's sleeve.

• The Myrka

A pantomime horse covered in jay cloths painted green and brown, which lumbers around like a blind fish monger on roller skates. Well done, Johnny Byrne, for giving us a laughable monstrosity.

• People who take their first Doctor to be the best one

Yes, I know Tom Baker is a great Doctor, but your word doesn't make it gospel.

• People who call the Doctor "Doctor Who"

Everyone I know calls him Doctor Who. The media call him that, my family, my friends, even the internet. I admired J N-T's decision to credit whoever played him as "The Doctor" in the closing credits, rather than the norm of "Doctor Who" in the previous eras.

• Ian and Barbara

Oh, how I will be boiled alive for saying this. Look, to me, a couple of teachers you literally STALK a pupil just to find out where she lives, then travel space and time and actually be quite friendly to their captors, and say that they're friends, then just leave them and go home. To be quite honest, they could've just asked the Doctor to drop them back, rather than using a Dalek time machine. Then it's referenced in SJA's "Death of The Doctor" that he and Barbara haven't aged since the sixties, which means we'll probably see them again...

• The lack of a story in Ghost Light

There is no main plot, only several sub plots linked by the house which is actually a stone space ship. Go figure.

• Mel

Mel just takes the biscuit. Horribly written, horribly portrayed, Mel is just a bag of crap on legs.

• The Quarks

How the Quarks are meant to be a threat is beyond me

• Blue Peter contest winners

The Abzorbaloff. Creet. The junk Tardis. That's all that's needed to be said on the matter

• Honorary mention: The Sontarans

Sontarans, eh? Can't live with 'em, can't kill 'em. Sontarans are nothing but glorified potatoes with spirit. For one, they can't turn their backs on their enemies, basically opening them up to attacks from behind, two, their weakness is out in the open, for anyone to hit, or even for them to back up against a wall, with stones or lumps jutting out of it and basically injuring themselves, three, for "expert Cloners" half of their clones are taller or even shorter then the others, four, their one-off redesigned look in Shakedown bares a remarkable resemblance to a heaping mound of crap, five, despite being reintroduced into the new series, they haven't done much in terms of villainy or pillaging, six, that tongue thing they do is creepy and reminds me of a registered offender, and finally, seven, they have to carry their helmets around with them and they're worst enemies are green jellyfish.

Shakedown, baby, Y'know you wanna.