The 6 Worst Outings for The Doctor onscreen.

Wait, what's that you say? All Who is good Who? Well, I'm slightly inclined to agree. But there's just some stories that don't either hold up, make sense, or just are let down by the script/acting/direction.


6: Aliens Of London/World War 3

Why it sucks: There are certain things that belong in Doctor Who: Aliens, drama, credible villains, the Doctor saving the day. This has fart jokes.

AOL/WW3 is the low point of the 2005 revival series. The Slitheen awkwardly transition between CGI and costumes, and their constant farting and the petty jokes made about it are just dumb. And then there's the way they die. Explosion is already overused, but by putting it over the top by making them let out huge, and I mean HUGE, amounts of green sludge bits and splattering them all over people (Little tidbit: The splattering doesn't match the place where the Slitheen are standing), is just taking it over the top. And the plot s just idiotic to say the least. Yep, so Mickey can just hack into a high class Government website (Oh wait...) and direct missiles toward THE MOST IMPORTANT BUILDING IN ENGLAND. Oh and Jackie's a female dog in this.

And then they became SJA's Daleks.

5: The Two Doctors

Why it sucks: Because you can't just expect to have a great story by setting it abroad and getting a man who's tired of writing things featuring his own creations to script it.

The Two Doctors holds a special place in my heart, not because when I watched it I was suffering from some kind of illness that made me poo out a gallon of water, but because it's the last time Troughton played the Doctor on screen. And Holmes' script doesn't feature him enough to make it a proper send off. Add that to facts that the Androgums are flipping annoying, the Sontarans being brought in and shown for less than 2/2 of the story, and you have a terrible story.

Don't look so smug, you're the worst bit of it.

4: Fear Her

Why it sucks: Fear the awful child actor! No wait, fear her Dad made of graphite! No wait, fear the fact that you've wasted 45 minutes watching something you'll never get back!

Fear Her is just a bag of hot, steaming crap force fed through the rear end of a man who's just taken a very powerful laxative. Not only does it have one of the most unscary, dumb villains, it has some of the worst acting ever seen on Doctor Who (But certainly not the worst), and has probably the worst ending of Tennant's era.

Oh, and the Doctor thought this was a cat at first.

3: Warriors of The Deep

 Why it sucks: The Myrka. The awfully redesigned Sea Devils. The unnecessary subplot involving the scientist and the other guy.

WoTD is a masterclass of how terrible it can be if your Prime minister causes strikes. This thing was delayed majorly, which is shown by the lumbering dumbbutt that is the Myrka. With jowls full of greenish felt saliva, and a hide made of jayclothes and green (not even dry) paint, and then there's the Sea Devils. They're dressed up as pointy shouldered Samurai, with the mightiest Trachea this side of Timbuktu.

Now, tell me that isn't mighty

The Silurians don't get away easily. The whole time I watched WoTD I kept having a nagging suspicion I saw that voice and feel before...

2: Timelash

Why it sucks: For one, it has one of the WORST twist endings ever, explained in this picture I made for you:

And then he becomes the Loch Ness Monster, which was a first fo- Hang on a minute.... Oh, and somehow the Doctor and H.G. Wells (Yes, and he's as scrawny as a chicken), survive the Tardis being hit by a missile (WITH NO EXPLANATION) sent by awful rubbery foamish Caterpillars.

and finally, the one we've all been waiting for.......

1: Time Flight

Why it sucks: The Master's a weird gibberish spouting racist, Nyssa and the Doctor get attacked by bubbles and Adric's ghost.

  Time-Flight gets lots of stick for being, well, awful. Not only do we have the Master dressed as a wizard, mumbling incoherently to himself, for NO REASON WHATSOEVER(!), then decides to melt his own face off and reveal his true identity, while having trouble stripping off his Wizard garb.

Insert crude racist one liner here.

And then there's the Concorde passengers and crew. Somehow, pilots (one has the most adult film starish moustache ever) who've never flown a time machine ever, manage to direct the Tardis away from the Master. Also, the Master randomly opens the TCE from time to time without anyone getting hurt, eg In front of the Doctor and the passengers while talking to them.

  This is also the one where one companion goes, one stays, and one shows up as a weird illusion ghost thingy. Tegan is basically left behind, while the Doctor and Nyssa head off, next to be seen around Amsterdam. Adric's weird illusion shows up, as the Melkur and a Terileptil. 

  And finally, the plot hole: Just how does the Master's TCE work on 1) a collective intelligence, and 2) How do the bodies get into the place the Master CAN'T get into in the first place? Hm?

Play us off, Adult Star Pilot!

You can follow David on twitter @TehRewbexCuweb

                                         

                                         

                     

Review of The Two Doctors: Unnecessary Travelling Nostalgia

By David Parkinson

Written by: Robert Holmes
Directed by: Peter Moffatt
Starring: Colin Baker, Patrick Troughton, Nicola Bryant, Frazer Hines, John Stratton, Jacqueline Pearce and Laurence Pearce.



You might say the setting makes the story, which is certainly the case for some shows (Midsomer Murders, King of Queens etc.) but in the case of The Two Doctors, it's extremely unnecessary to be set primarily in Spain. Granted, it would've been worse if J N-T got his way to set it in New Orleans, which would not have worked at all. Saying that though, this doesn't really work either.

It's sad to see something like this coming from Robert Holmes. A writer whose previous scripts for Who ( Spearhead From Space, Deadly Assassin to name a few) were brilliant, and whose period as script editor on Doctor Who is widely regarded to be one of the best. He uses his creations, the Sontarans ( more on them later) , and reintroduces the Second Doctor and Jamie.

Let's talk about them. This was the last time Troughton played the Doctor on TV, and boy, is he underused. Episode One only has him in it for about Five minutes, Episode Two he appears a bit more, then in Episode Three, they turn him into an Androgum (Again, more on them later.). You can tell that Troughton loves the Androgum acting, and does a fine job of acting like a hungry pig. It's a pity still though that he's underused.

Now, Androgums. Shockeye is one of the most irritatingly bad enemies I have ever seen. His whole 'Arggh, I am gonna eat ya!' bit gets old quickly, and his most stupidest moment comes in Part 3. Here's a picture to basically sum it all up.

Oscar the thespian, pictured, is also a waiter, and when he refuses Shockeyes' Narg note, Shockeye feels the need to stab him in the chest with a two pronged fork and runs off, which is Oscar's fault, for not noticing how odd the ginger man with cereal stuck to his face looked..

Shockeye is also part of a really controversial moment, when the Sixth doctor kills him using cyanide.

Also comes with an inappropriate Bondish quip.

The Sontarans. So, yeah. Group Marshal Stike is seemingly cursed with getting injured horribly, resulting in only his leg remaining at the end.

The Sontarans are 

1. Both taller/shorter than each other
2. playing second fiddle to Chessene
3. Horribly used (They appear for about 10 minutes in total, one gets killed rather easily, Stike just goes around covered in coronic acid)

+

• Patrick Troughton and Frazer Hines are back!
• Colin Baker does a good job, as does Nicola Bryant

-

• Chessene and Dastari are unconvincing villains
• Shockeye is more irritating than a hyper Stacy Solomon (google her Americans)
• The Sontarans
• The setting is unneeded.
• It's unlikely two people would take seeing 1) A giant silver globe flying over them as a plane, or 2) a police box that wasn't there when they arrived as normal.

RATING: 

62%

                     NEXT TIME: Robot, for real this time (hopefully).

I used to be a Group Marshal like you, then I took an arrow to the knee

Review of The Android Invasion: Terry's second bout of Dalek deficiency

By David Parkinson

Writer: Terry Nation
Director: Barry Letts
Starring: Tom Baker, Elisabeth Sladen, Ian Marter, John Levene, Martin Friend, Roy Skelton and Milton Johns.

In a sentence: Body Snatchers with robots.

The Android Invasion is basically Doctor Who does Invasion of the Body Snatchers 2.0. Of course, Terror of The Zygons was 1.0. On paper, this story should work. Directed by Barry Letts, instrumental in creating UNIT, the Master and giving Pertwee a hugely great era, and written by Terry Nation, who needs no introduction, Android Invasion just simply kind of works.

For one thing, it's the last appearance of Benton and Harry, and they're wasted.  Strictly speaking, they aren't even Benton and Harry, but I'll get to that later. Basically the plot is this: The Doctor and Sarah Jane arrive on Earth, and almost immediately run into Men in White, and a UNIT soldier. The latter runs off of a cliff, and later re amerges, unscathed, and the Men in White fire at the Doctor and Sarah Jane, who run off, letting Sarah realize she was here before, on a story. Of course, the village that they are in is empty, but not for long as a truck comes in carrying what seem like humans. Then the seemingly dead UNIT soldier arrives again, and so The Doctor and Sarah hide. Basically The Doctor goes to this facility and finds this guy who wears an eyepatch and is not (spoilers, even though you should've pegged it by now,) an android. Then comes the cliffhanger, as the Doctor is captured, put into a cell, rescued by Sarah Jane, and then is watched by a peeping Tom. The cliffhanger for me is in the running for the boringest cliffhangers ever, probably in fifth place.

Basically, the villains, the Kraals, built a fake Earth to test their plan, then go to the real Earth and set off this virus that'll kill all life, including, um, the Kraals. So basically they're gonna release a virus that'll kill them too. Well done. Another thing I take issue with is that Crayford, the eye patch wearing astronaut who helped the Kraals who claim to have mended him and his eye, which, spoilers, has nothing wrong with it, never bothered to check under the eyepatch until the Doctor tells him to. And where does the third Kraal go to?

Best performance: Tom Baker as the Android Doctor

Baker plays the Doctor's double as the creepiest version of the Doctor ever seen. The most chilling bit? When Sarah Jane runs into him outside the Tardis, and the mannerisms he uses. He just oozes scares.

We also get the typical "Villain has to ooze out goo and compress when they die" scene, when Styggron, the head Kraal, falls into his own virus, and goes all Jim'll fix it Sontaran/ 6th Doctor Sontaran.. It's quite a disgusting scene, yet somewhat awesomesauce.

One final bit on the Kraals themselves. They are not memorable, or, to be honest, menacing, but still, they do the job. You can catch them again soon, thanks to Big Finish.

Report card:

score: 4.1/5

Coming next time: A new Doctor. An old companion. Tiny Tanks and giant robots! Yes, it's "Robot" with Tom Baker!

Your Thoughts:

Rick Broadhurst:  It's like an episode of the Avengers (Not Thor & Co.) Love the deserted village, Kraals(disagree with Hinchcliffe when he says that a tech advanced  race should look more 'sci fi' clean? Silver? I like the medieval look and their "ugly" tech, why should they have a 'sterile' look?) Bought the Target book when I was Ten, so this brings back lots of memories!

JoLee Rouse: My Fave classic story

Coming soon

Here's the schedule for upcoming features:

• Tom Baker serial poll (multiple choice, seeing as how his era had a lot of fan favorites)
• Reviews of Robot and Bred for War boxset
• a top secret feature, featuring a number of things that coincide with a certain upcoming anniversary
• debates
• a Discussion on Davros
• Davros and Daleks appreciation month.

Vote for the Best Pertwee Era Serial: the Shortlist

With your favorite 1st and 2nd Doctor serials decided, it's time to see what Pertwee outing you enjoy the most. Voting ends in February SO GET ON VOTIN'!

Best Third Doctor Serial : shortlist

Things that are Worse than The Twin Dilemma Vol.2

The half-arsed sequel

• Doctorin' The Tardis

This is what happens when you get a band who have never watched the material they're singing about, and are trying to cash in on said material. The lyrics are basically the famous things from the show chanted out before the Doctor Who theme itself begins to play. And a crappy single like this wouldn't be complete with a butchered Dalek model made of cardboard and a bit of a War Machine. Oh, and wait until you see the single's sleeve.

• The Myrka

A pantomime horse covered in jay cloths painted green and brown, which lumbers around like a blind fish monger on roller skates. Well done, Johnny Byrne, for giving us a laughable monstrosity.

• People who take their first Doctor to be the best one

Yes, I know Tom Baker is a great Doctor, but your word doesn't make it gospel.

• People who call the Doctor "Doctor Who"

Everyone I know calls him Doctor Who. The media call him that, my family, my friends, even the internet. I admired J N-T's decision to credit whoever played him as "The Doctor" in the closing credits, rather than the norm of "Doctor Who" in the previous eras.

• Ian and Barbara

Oh, how I will be boiled alive for saying this. Look, to me, a couple of teachers you literally STALK a pupil just to find out where she lives, then travel space and time and actually be quite friendly to their captors, and say that they're friends, then just leave them and go home. To be quite honest, they could've just asked the Doctor to drop them back, rather than using a Dalek time machine. Then it's referenced in SJA's "Death of The Doctor" that he and Barbara haven't aged since the sixties, which means we'll probably see them again...

• The lack of a story in Ghost Light

There is no main plot, only several sub plots linked by the house which is actually a stone space ship. Go figure.

• Mel

Mel just takes the biscuit. Horribly written, horribly portrayed, Mel is just a bag of crap on legs.

• The Quarks

How the Quarks are meant to be a threat is beyond me

• Blue Peter contest winners

The Abzorbaloff. Creet. The junk Tardis. That's all that's needed to be said on the matter

• Honorary mention: The Sontarans

Sontarans, eh? Can't live with 'em, can't kill 'em. Sontarans are nothing but glorified potatoes with spirit. For one, they can't turn their backs on their enemies, basically opening them up to attacks from behind, two, their weakness is out in the open, for anyone to hit, or even for them to back up against a wall, with stones or lumps jutting out of it and basically injuring themselves, three, for "expert Cloners" half of their clones are taller or even shorter then the others, four, their one-off redesigned look in Shakedown bares a remarkable resemblance to a heaping mound of crap, five, despite being reintroduced into the new series, they haven't done much in terms of villainy or pillaging, six, that tongue thing they do is creepy and reminds me of a registered offender, and finally, seven, they have to carry their helmets around with them and they're worst enemies are green jellyfish.

Shakedown, baby, Y'know you wanna.

The worst Doctor Who musical numbers

Let's get on with it, hmm?



Who is Doctor Who - Frazer Hines

I wonder if you can even get through the opening guitar bit without crying tears of blood. Imagine you got a deaf sheep that spasms a lot and likes to eat guitar strings. Then imagine you got a flute player who forgets how to play any tune except a vague rendition of the Peppa Pig theme.  If you can, that's basically the opening of this song. Then it's all topped off with a very off-putting scratchy guitar strumming and Frazer Hines sounding very like a little dwarf who sits a-top a Stool in the forest singing a little tune to pass the time while trying to forget his lonely and often boring life.

Doctor in Distress - a group of e list singers, Bucks Fizz, The Moody Blues, Hans Zimmer, and Nick Courtney and Anthony Ainley, and of course, Colin Baker and Nicola Bryant

Doctor Who was on hiatus, and many were distraught. Of course, it did come back, and fantastically, might I add, but this, this is just Grade-A crap. Nicola Bryant can't sing, neither can Colin Baker, and Anthony Ainley and The Brig get spoken cameos. And even the so called "Great singers" they get aren't good. Their vocal talent adds up to the vocal talent of a brick. To be honest, they should have hired a brick. Would've cost them half the money.

I'm Going To Spend My Christmas With A Dalek- The Go-Go's

No, not the successful Go-Go's. No, rather the Go-Go's who never had a hit single. It's not that they're crap, it's that they're dreadful. It's as if whoever wrote the song was given this description of a Dalek

"Right, so, you're going to write song about robots what are popular now, son. And when you're done, lock up Darlin'?"


The Dalek used in this is heavily out of Character. How out of character, you ask? It says, rather feebly:
                                                    "I Love You"

Also the Go-Go's sound pretty awful, and this was their only single ever.

Doctorin' The Tardis - KLF/The Timelords

This one is a good 'un in terms of crap. All we get from this is a list of the most well-known bits of the show, ie The Doctor, Daleks and Tardis. Then it's just the Doctor Who theme and a Dalek doing a Harry Enfield impression.

Finally, a somewhat ok one

Who is The Doctor- Jon Pertwee

The only similarity between this and the others is the fact that it's title is a couple of words off of Frazer Hines. A spoken , somewhat epic, song, Pertwee makes it absolutely fantastic.